Doesn't everybody want love?

It sounds nice. But if I ever fall in love, he needs to smell and smile like sunshine. So many guys smile so brightly they blind you, bind you, figure you out and refuse to even realize that they barely scraped the image of who you are.

I was talking to a friend about being in love. "Isn't that what everybody is always searching for?"

And I thought about that. I'm not searching. I haven't felt like anybody I know speaks in a way that make the stars in my heart race through their colors and explode. Or like anybody can be satisfied with just being happy. Or like anybody can remind me why I am human, why I was born with two legs instead of four.

On top of that, I realized how much I loved that friend and all of my other friends. Because their arms are always open for me and for my tears. Even if I am sick, they will comfort me and then think about the consequences... possibly after they already share my fate. They trust me fully and who needs to search for anything else?

Everybody wants love. But some people just don't know how to look past the obvious definition.

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

here is a wonder to keep the stars apart

and when i shall find it it shall hide in my heart

and i will carry you with me

always

and we shall hide in the roots of this tree called life

(drinking ambrosia from the cups of the wrong gods

and not caring and not fearing and so timid)

i will fear

nothing for you will protect me

i will trust

no one who speaks against

you

my darling

(roses can never shoot their thorns

into the biting morning neither can blooms

explode into blossom with

sounds of a bomb so) tenderly take time my love

and never look

for you shall find me

i will be the one carrying your heart within mine own

Hear me

I wish you would listen. I forgot to say one final thing to you:

I promised never to hurt you. And I wish I could say I'm sorry, if I ever did. I forgot to say it when I had the chance and now you won't listen.

Of course, there are more things I wish I could say. I wish I could ask you why you did everything you promised never to do. I wish I could know how you really felt, if you were living a lie or fighting a fear. I told you I hate it when people read my blogs, and I have no idea why you would ever read mine. But when I said: "if you wanted to be with me, you would have asked me already," I kind of wished that you would... well, ask me.

Only now my dreams have tangled themselves with reality and I sleep in Heaven and wake in Hell. And I'm not sure what I want. But it sure was never to hurt you or cut you out of my life. Losing you doesn't hurt; that's something I can accept. You lose people. But I can't accept breaking a promise. Especially since losing you is hard enough to accept.

You said once that my mind is beautiful. This is exactly why I both agree and disagree.

Prayer in Moderation

All I want is this song to stop being my life...

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?

My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony.
We're both flying away.

So we talked about mom's and dad's
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me

And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking
That's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me...

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away.

And I'll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
'til I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony, yeah

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No, we're not going to sleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony... we're both..
Flying away

You might ask why... I mean it sounds WONDERFUL.

Wait a few seconds...

there's a hidden track.

I lost a piece of me in you
I think I left it in your arms
I forget the reasons I got scared
But remember that I cared quite a lot
You see but lately I’ve been on my own
Yeah one, but one by choice
You see that’s a first for me
This only me, yeah there’s only me
And I realize for once it’s just me
It’s just me
It’s just me and I’ll find a way to make it
There’s no one left to stop me, here I go
Can we take it from the top
So wide, so long, so sad I want to be strong
Don’t try to take this from me
I’ve already spent living half my life undone
So wide, so long, so sad I want to be strong
Don’t try to take this from me
I’ve already spent my life living half undone
I’ve been talking to my aunts and uncles,
Mom and dad again
I’ve been finding out that I have
What this world has called friends
I’ve tried to push them all away
They pushed me back and want to stay
And that’s one good thing I have
I’m gonna feel a peace in me
I’m gonna feel at home
I’m gonna make this cloud above me
Disappear, be gone
I want to feel a punch inside my heartbeat on the floor
I don’t want to hurt no more
Yeah it’s just me
It’s just me and I’ll find a way to make it
There’s no one left to stop me, here I go
Can we take it from the top
So wide, so long, so sad I want to be strong
Don’t try to take her from me
I’ve already spent my life living half undone
So wide, so long, so sad I want to be strong
Don’t try to take her from me
I’ve already spent my life living half undone
I used to be the one who won before
I used to smile but don’t no more
Living just to watch it all go by