You're not a little girl anymore. You can't make a mistake and crawl back into mommy's lap to make both of you stop crying. Now if you try to hold her and make her stop, you'll twist a knife into her heart. Figuratively. And be tempted to twist one into your own. Literally.
You promised yourself that things would get better.
Take it back 14 years. You told yourself it was your fault, you were just a bad kid. They made up stories about family friends telling strangers you were bad. You knew you were bad. You waited to grow up and be good. Then you moved here. Your heart broke from leaving everything you knew behind. You were bad because you spoke no english. You learned english, but that didn't make you good. Kids were cruel. You were different. You were bad. You tried to do better in school, because that's what everyone did. But it was too late. Now being
smart made you bad. You had to be special. You tried to be special, but in highschool, everyone wanted to be the same. Ironically, this meant being unique. You were so bad that your own father stopped talking to you. You dated jerks to have someone to sit with at lunch. Your friends did drugs. drank. left you behind. were selfish. But you were the bad one. Your boyfriends cheated on you. Broke you. Made you forget to trust. Made you disgusting. Pushed you. Your parents did not listen. Because you were bad. Not even worth fixing.
But good people came and started fixing you, started loving you. Good friends. Good guys to date. Good teachers to be rolemodels and mentors. A perfect little brother to teach you the joy of family. You learned that God was about love, not about sin. You became good. But she hasn't changed. And they still see you as a bad person. But you have to remember you were NEVER bad. You were broken, but you are allowed to be, and people will love you. "I don't think you get it," they say, "we love you BECAUSE you're broken."
Broken is not bad. Broken is human.
You will never be good in her eyes. It's a cold reality. But you don't have to be, because you are loved. The people who see you as bad cannot deal with their own emptiness and hurt.
"We are too different to understand each other." Yes. I think people cannot be bad. You think everyone is bad. I will never speak another bad word to you. Never anything you can judge. Silence is golden and I will only share my light with those who see it. I wish I could share it with you, because I want permission to love you, but loving you will kill me. So I'm sorry I'll always be bad in your eyes, but I can't just grow out of it. So I'll just be quiet and selfish. You can live in your bad world.
I'm too busy being broken and perfectly good.