Thursday, March 25, 2010

This is really a scream in disguise

I'll write something straightforward. I won't aim to be beautiful or poetic or to transform my life into art.
Because I love life but sometimes it's just too difficult to think about things straight. Especially when you're only 17 and you know the world would understand if only you could explain. The world isn't at fault, it's you.
My brother has a fever. 103 degrees. The world understands perfectly. But I can't explain how seeing him makes me feel. How scared I am. I'm holding him every chance I have, feeling the terrible heat, so terrified that he will just vanish from my arms. Trying not to cry because that would be silly, right? But I imagine him with the oxygen masks on his face, or I imagine how tiny he was when he was first born. And then I remember how people always think I'm his mother, and how often I feel like I am. I know I can't give him nourishment but sometimes my mother can't make him happy and I can just by singing something in his tiny ear and it feels incredible. I love him more than anything else in the world. He looks like a tiny angel. And when I play with him, throw him in the air or whirl him around quick, in that way that he loves, he looks like one. Soaring, happy, beautiful.
I'm going to college in a few months. Today I got accepted into one of my dream schools. I was in the library during class with a friend and I opened the email and screamed. Everyone must have been glaring at me but I didn't care. I was in. NEW YORK! Just think of it, this time next year I can be so far away from it all!
And then I thought. Far away from what? My family? My friends? This beautiful (perhaps somewhat bland) city? I'm so scared of doing anything. Even talking to people. I see somebody I like and clam up right away. I say everything that's on my mind just to avoid being vulnerable. And here I am, not saying what I wanted to say because I'm too scared someone will read this.
Only I'm sure nobody ever does.
I'll probably delete this soon anyway.
It's ugly words.


  1. I read it
    -The hypnotist/hero/innocent

  2. Him too :-) but I consider him part of the hypnotist

    "Even talking to people. I see somebody I like and clam up right away. I say everything that's on my mind just to avoid being vulnerable."

    I have kinda noticed. You know I'm here when you want me to be. And I know I do the same thing.

  3. I do that with everybody but with you it's just so I can find the truth by saying anything and then picking what feels right.
    That's why you're my best friend.
    Because what I do to avoid being vulnerable with others is what I do to find what's right with you.